Tuesday, 10 August 2010

'What you think about yourself is much more important than what others think of you.' - Marcus Annaeus Seneca

Hi all
Like most of the girls I am very aware that I am no supermodel. My body is far from perfect like the super toned and tanned ladies from magazine pages and TV channels. My hair will never be as thick and shiny, my skin will never be poreless and I will have wrinkles. My teeth...dear oh dear...Ah and let's not forget about boobies - Bigger pair please!... and if that is not enough, I am a shortie... At 5ft1 you can see every extra pound on me... 
This is what I always think about. Over and over again, there were always those horrible, poisonous, nasty thoughts which made me think bad things about the way I look, about the person I am. Nothing was ever good or pretty enough... I was so anxious about what other people may think or say about me that eventually apart from going to work and back I did not leave the house for months. I lost few so called friends as I never got the courage to go out and meet up with them. I did not even go and say goodbye to my best friend the night before she was going back home to Brazil. I nearly lost my dearest person too as I was so jealous about any girl that would speak to him... I was in a dark place where I would cry and pity myself...Getting very impatient, angry and even a little aggressive. Did I think about closing my eyes forever? ... Yes. Many times, and I will never forgive myself that I could think that even for one second... Finally, with help from my boyfriend I realised that it is the time to ask for help. I was diagnosed with depression. I was taking Fluoxetine (Prozac) and after few months with help of my loving and patient boyfriend and friends I felt better. It was a hard battle, which I won but the war is still on. I stopped taking the pills. I'm clean for over 2 years now but I still have days when I am very low and those devilish thoughts are chasing me again. Recently it got bit worse and I went to see my doctor again. I do not want any more pills, they do not help, they mask the problem not solving it... I received some 'positive thinking' exercises and I am hoping that soon my self esteem will go back to where it should be and I will be finally happy with myself. 
I have great bunch of girlfriends and we meet up often. Last Saturday I nearly did not go out as I suddenly switched my thoughts and started to cry... I was soo low... But my girls did not let THEM to get the better of me. We went out and as soon as I heard the music my little heart was happy again...
Today is a big day for me. Yesterday I finally decided (with my friend's help - thanks Amy :)) to start doing something about my appearance as I know this is what is dragging me down. Every look in the mirror brings back THOSE thoughts... In about an hour I will sweat with my friend doing Body Combat class. I am scared and very anxious as I know there will be girls that look amazing... But hey, it is a start. I need to overcome what is stopping me from being happy. Hopefully I will sign up for few more classes so I will be sweating at least 3 times a week. Will keep you updated. Dream beach body and happiness - here I come! 
Wish me luck! 

Ps. If you were/are fighting your demons please let me know. Maybe together we can help each other? Sometimes even telling someone about your problem can be enough to ease the pain. Get it off your chest and share with others. It is hard, I know, but it will make you feel better...

A little update - I just came back from the Body Combat and I am soo proud of myself! I have completed an hour of sweating, feeling faint and being nearly sick. And you know what? I absolutely loved it! :D Happy me!

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